What Do I Do With All of the Questions?
FROM DECEMBER 19, 2021 (MOVING BLOG TO WEBSITE BLOG)
Tonight I mentioned that I have a million questions for her ... which was likely not a good idea on my part. I do have a million questions ... but maybe they are best left unanswered. I don't know. Every time I feel like I've had a decent few moments, I then do something that very much feels like I rip the scab off over and over again.
So maybe my questions are best asked here?
Will I find the answers by just asking them? By just putting them out to the universe?
I have no idea - I just know that the longer they stay in me, the crazier my head feels.
I have realized through this process that my brain is wired to make sense of things. I literally need for things to make sense and I cannot make sense of any of this. So I end up spinning and spinning and in that spin come all the questions.
Do I really want to know the answers to them? Maybe I already do.
I am currently listening to the book "Attached" - actually both of us are listening to it. It's all about our relationship attachment styles, figuring out our partners attachment styles and then working towards creating healthy attachment in relationships. There was a questionnaire in there for us to answer ourselves and then a questionnaire about our partners. The 3 main attachment styles are anxious, secure and avoidant.
As I started on the questionnaire, I noticed that some of the answers applied to me when Clarissa and I first started dating but that they didn't apply recently. So I did the questionnaire in 2 different colours - one colour was for "then" and one colour was for "now". My then attachment style was definitely anxious. I scored extremely high in the anxious and I vividly remember so many times having to talk myself "off a ledge" when it came to things she did or said.
Over the years though, I worked hard on my voice and my worth within our relationship. I often knew that her reactions were out of fear of losing love. I often felt like I was being tested and subconsciously pushed away - to see if I would run. Yet I held steadfast. There was just something about her that I couldn't explain. Something that made me want to marry her and spend the rest of my life loving her. I don't know what it was and I don't know that I will ever be able to articulate it. I know some of it has to be that she felt like the yin to my yang - she was the loud, chatty one who could make everyone smile and laugh whereas I was the calm, quieter one who loved watching the party rather than participating in it. Don't get me wrong - I can be the life of the party from time to time - however for the most part when I was with her, I was happy to just take it all in and I felt like we complemented each other so much in so many ways.
So I kept reminding myself when I felt I was being tested and my "self-doubt" kicked in that if it was meant to be, it would be. I would remind myself that all I could do was hold the space for her to find her way to me, to trust me, and hope that in the end, love would be enough. Through all of these reminders, I grew from anxious to secure with my attachment style. It felt really good to read that and to see the shift in me. I was proud of my hard work and commitment to my growth and self-worth.
After doing my questionnaire, I answered the questions about her to see from my perspective what her attachment style was - on my end she got high in avoidant and moderate in anxious and secure. It was really interesting though because the author mentioned that many avoidant styles are actually covering up anxious styles. Clarissa said she is definitely anxious - that she scored so high in anxious - yet this anxiousness would come across to me as avoidant - like she almost didn't want to get too attached or feel worthy of being attached so she would deflect in order to avoid facing the anxious. The word that comes to mind is flippant - and yet then she'd pull me back in with her sweet words, tender touch and reassurances that I am her person.
So my questions keep circling .... does she finally realize what she had? Now that it's gone, does she realize that she truly had a family here in Canada that was willing to take her in and love her no matter what? She has mentioned grieving the loss of my kids. What loss? She never did anything to foster a relationship with them that didn't involve me. So what does she now feel like she has lost? I don't get that and I can't wrap my head around it.
Don't get me wrong - I know she loves my kids from the bottom of her heart loves them and wants the absolute best for them. But to my kids, she was always just "their mom's girlfriend" so what is she now mourning? The idea of grandkids? The possibilities of time with them? I am having a hard time figuring this out.
I don't want this to sound like I am some million dollar catch bragging about how amazing I am. I think for the most part, those who read this will know that I am a very humble person and bragging about myself is not something that comes easily to me. At the same time, I know with all my heart that I did everything I could possibly do (and more) to show her what love is. Does she finally get that? Now that I am gone, does she understand what she has lost?
I so badly want the answer to be yes. At the same time, maybe she will never fully understand. I don't know. I guess those are the questions I leave up to the universe. In the meantime though, I am still really struggling with what my lessons are. Why did I have to love so big to hurt so bad? I hope time will tell .... for so many reasons, I hope time will tell.