Self-trust - how do we create it?
The other day I was having a heart to heart and was sharing that I have found myself frustrated lately ... Of course the question was "why?" to which my reply was "I'm frustrated with people's excuses for ...."
Hoping for some comfort in that moment or an "oh I get that ...." I was stopped in my tracks when the words, "how about you sweep your own porch first" were what I heard.
Even as I sit here and write this, I have a huge smile on my face and I think it would be funny if I could say "oh I was so mad blah blah blah ...." but honestly, I was so thankful for this response because it caused me to dig freaking deep. And guess what I saw?
I was frustrated with ME! Rather than deal with my own shit, I was projecting on to others and finding their moments of excuses so that I didn't have to deal with mine.
I am so grateful for people like this in my life. I don't need people to pat my back and stroke my ego - I need people to be real, to be honest, and to challenge me to grow and evolve into my better selves (yes, plural because I always want to be learning & growing). After some time sweeping my own porch, I realized what it is that I am frustrated with AND I was able to start squashing the excuses that were going hand in hand with the frustrations.
First off, I struggled big time not being able to go to our annual convention this year AND seeing my ex there just sat weird with me. I know this is my shit and I will let it go for my own peace of mind; what I wasn't doing though was allowing myself to feel all the feelings that I need to. Of course it's normal to feel weird about it all. We had almost 9 years together and 8 of those running a business together. It makes sense. What doesn't make sense is for me to just stuff those feelings away and not let myself process, talk about, and feel what I need to. It's like I had this running dialogue in my head that I need to just have my shit together and by admitting that I was feeling this way, I was worried others would see that I didn't have my shit together (or as much together as I was letting on).
The second part of my frustration came from me getting in my own way ... and as I sit here and write this, I am still quite annoyed with myself that I have blocked myself so badly that I am at risk of losing something in my business that I have worked incredibly hard to maintain for the past 8 years. The interesting part of this block is that THIS is exactly what I was looking for and seeking out in others so that I didn't have to face my own gremlins. Uggghhhh .... sometimes these aha moments just rock me to my core!
When I look back at the past couple of years, it makes TOTAL sense that my business has changed immensely and that all of those changes have and will take time. It makes sense that my voice has shifted. It makes sense that there are stories I'd love to share that are not mine to share. It makes sense that I have felt a bit paralyzed. All of this makes sense and if I had allowed myself to feel, to process, to talk about, to brainstorm, to even just acknowledge, I know I would not be sitting here writing this post about how I am frustrated with myself yet was using others as my scapegoat so that I didn't have to sweep my own porch.
I can't change the past though .... I did what I did and I told myself the stories that I wanted to hear in those moments to make my actions "ok" in my head. And looking back, I see that my actions and stories were not aligned with me living a life I am completely and thoroughly proud of. Don't get me wrong - I was not out committing crimes and trash talking everyone I met. I just wasn't acting within my integrity and that's something I have strived to do for many years now. As Maya Angelou says, "do your best and when you know better, do better." Now I know better so now it's up to me to do better!
I can write this post with a smile on my face even knowing that I'm frustrated with myself and THAT is a huge step for me. Today I realized why. I finally, for the first time in my life, fully trust myself! Holy shite does it ever feel amazing to write that. I don't think I realized how deeply I didn't trust myself until this morning .... and those moments of realization that the wobbly parts of me are tied to the sexual abuse I experienced as a kid always feel a bit like having the rug pulled out from underneath. That being said, they don't send me flying as far as they used to which is another reason to smile.
Working out this morning had me realize that my commitment to my fitness routine is why I am finally able to trust myself in all areas of my life. I know without a doubt that I will show up for me. I will drink my pre-workout, I will put on my heart rate monitor and my shoes, and I will push play on that workout. There really aren't many excuses or things that can derail me from pushing play and it truly has nothing to do with motivation. It has to do with showing up for what I commit to and the trust in myself when it comes to my fitness is so strong that I am now able to start trusting myself in all areas of my life. This means that I can use that trust I have built to start working on the areas I have been blocking while continuing to show up for my fitness journey.
I believe this is why I am so passionate about coaching and helping others with their own fitness and wellness routines. I know how terrible it feels to want to crawl out of your own skin. I know how terrible it feels to not have an ounce of self-trust. And now I know how it feels to walk with confidence in my body as well as confidence knowing that I can trust myself. If I can learn how to do this, so can others and how amazing would that be if I could help facilitate this for someone else?!
It's not been an easy road my friends, but fuck has it been worth it. I am so excited to keep sharing this message and to keep breathing belief in to others before they feel it themselves because everyone deserves to trust themselves and perhaps THIS is the exact ripple effect I am meant to create and be part of in order to share my light with the world?
Thank you so much to those of you who believed in me before I did, to those of you who were there for me to lean on, to those of you who have called me on my shit, and to those of you who have trusted me enough to join me on this wellness journey. I am eternally grateful and look forward to a lifetime of self-care with you. To those of you still struggling with this self-trust issue, please know I am here for you. No two journeys look the same and if you need someone to lean on and share the road with, I got you!