Scared to share ....
I've always been (and yes that is a Yoda influenced start to my blog today). I've always been scared to really share how I feel in this "newish" life of mine (hard to believe it's been 7 years). I've been scared for two main reasons:
I know my profile is public and I've always worried about what I share getting back to my kids and confusing or upsetting them
I've always worried about Clarissa misinterpreting what I share and it somehow hurting her when it's not intended that way.
The ironic thing about both of these reasons is that I've been hurting myself out of fear and 95% of what we fear never even comes to be. So here is day 1 of me sharing some of how I feel (I'm going to start with some .... we don't have to run a marathon the day we start running).
I woke up this morning at peace. I woke up happy. Everything felt right. I had Clarissa asleep beside me, Maggie snuggled up in to my chest and my 3 most important human beings asleep in their beds under my roof. The world felt perfect.
The hard part of writing that is that I know it didn't feel perfect for the person sleeping beside me. And then I wonder if she will misconstrue this to mean that I'm never happy - see, the over-thinker in me begins to look at all possible situations and then I worry. Of course I then end up worrying so much that I don't share anything at all and that my friends needs to change!
Don't get me wrong - I know Clarissa loves my kids and enjoys our time with them - for her though, everything feels right when it's just Clarissa, Maggie and myself. I get that because I've lived that life before. Now life is different and I just always feel "off" when my kids are not with me - like a piece of me is missing and there is this heaviness or sadness inside that I can't really explain.
This is when the overthinking really kicks in because I worry that Clarissa will think I'm not happy and that is not the case. It's not that I'm moping around feeling all sorry for myself. I am happy. I enjoy our time together. I am a pretty simple person who enjoys the little things in the life - it's just there is this piece missing and then as soon as my babies get home with me, I can breathe a little easier, I can breathe a little deeper.
I know this is likely the case for many people in relationships that have come to be after kids / marriage / etc, so I'm guessing I am not an anomaly here. What I've noticed though is that there is this heaviness I've been carrying for far too long and perhaps by just putting it out there, and easing my load by sharing with others, I will be able to better articulate how I'm feeling AND perhaps those in my life that I love the most will have a better understanding of how I feel!
I don't have any words of wisdom for you today or advice - well now that I think about it, maybe I do - what if we all just shared and made ourselves truly open and vulnerable to those around us? Wouldn't it feel like the world is a much safer and more loving place? I sure hope so and my friends, thank you for sharing my load - I know I wouldn't be the person I am without the love and support of so many amazing people (like you) in my life.