My Heart Hurts Today
FROM JUNE 15, 2022 (MOVING BLOG TO WEBSITE BLOG)
and I feel incredibly sad. I realized the other day that I am no longer angry and it was such a huge relief to look at a photo and not feel any anger. I do not do anger well. I know it served a purpose and likely got me through the past 6 months - it just feels so foreign in my body and I don't know what to do with it other than write (and cry).
It's interesting to me - I started this blog to help me process how I feel. I needed a space to allow my fingers to express what was going on in my head and my heart. I never started this blog to bash someone else or to spread lies or hate. Yes my ex has come up in some of my writings here - for me though, it was always about working through my feelings, my emotions, my confusion, my frustration. So it's incredibly hard for me to now be on the receiving end of public posts that are clearly untrue.
Last Wednesday evening, I received a message with a picture of a recently posted reel. The picture said, "I was dumped over text message after almost 9 years together ..." The message said, "are you ok?" My initial reaction was to reach out about the reel because it is 100% untrue - I do not have it in me to break up with someone over a text message. I am all about treating others how I want to be treated and if someone was ending a relationship with me after a significant amount of time, I would want that end to be face to face. I started writing a message and then stopped myself. Why? What's the point? I know my truth and I no longer need to explain myself. Plus, I'm positive that story is now believed to be true and there isn't anything I can say that will change the story. I've lived this enough over the past almost 9 years to know that there would not be a positive outcome for me and so I stopped.
I'm human though and this little post then led me to look at a facebook page only to see "in a relationship with" and "moved to"plus a kissing photo and declarations of love. I know I shouldn't have looked; but I am also human. And so today my heart hurts. I gave everything I had for almost 9 years and never once was relationship status nor was there a kissing photo or any declarations of love. That sucks. And it hurts. I truly do wish them well; I just can't wrap my head around the insensitivity as it's not something I could ever do.
Yesterday I had one of the worst days I have had in a while at work. My heart was hurting, I'm beyond exhausted and ready for summer break, I still have to finish marking my portfolios, and I had zero patience for my students and myself. I ended up losing my shit at one point and then beat myself up for it the rest of the day. Maybe it's good for my students to see I have limits? That I'm not just a constant softy who will let things slide? I hope so - it sure didn't make me feel good or proud and that's the piece I don't like.
I did my best to turn my day around with some Zumba, a dancing reel, a nice dinner & walk with Maggie and then I took myself to see Top Gun. It definitely helped distract me for a while. I remember writing about my anger a while back and being scared of what was underneath the anger. I guess I'm here because it feels like my soul hurts, not just my heart. I know it will pass with time. I found a great quote yesterday that says "sadness passes on the wings of time". It's just hard to be in this moment right now.
I am counting down the days to summer vacation and some r&r time. I have committed to dating myself this summer and doing things I want to do that are good for my soul. I am also trying my best to practice my gratitude every single day because those miracle moments throughout our days are what keep us going during the harder times. Today I am grateful for friends who check in on me, an amazing dinner on Monday, Zumba yesterday, a great movie last night, Maggie snuggles and today happens to be a day at the waterslides.
Eight more days of work and I am free for 2 months. Free to heal, read, explore, rest and so much more. I cannot wait. As I look back on the past 7 months, I am amazed that I made it through. There were so many moments I wanted to give up. But I didn't. And I know I will make it through this phase as well. I am excited for a summer of fun and freedom - it is just what I need right now and in the meantime I will continue to look for those miracle moments.
Thank you so much for being part of my journey. I am grateful for you!