Feeling incredibly heavy ....
I was going to start with "I'm sorry if this isn't your usual chipper blog post from me" but you know what, I'm not sorry. This is how I'm feeling and if this is my reality, I imagine that many of us are feeling this way too.
I don't know about you all, but I had huge excitement for this year. Going in to 2020 I was excited - we had some great trips planned, kids were doing well in school and life, my family is healthy and things felt amazing. It's definitely been a year to remember and we are only 6 months in - it's just not the year I imagined when we hit January 1st.
For the most part, I can find the silver linings. When I look at the global pandemic, I am of course saddened by the lives lost, the frontline workers in the mix; and at the same time, I am so incredibly thankful for the slower pace of life and for this gift of time with my kids.
At the same time, I am also incredibly grateful my eyes have been opened to the racism that has been part of our lives for far too long. Of course I wish it didn't take lives lost to shake us to the core that this needs to stop; at the same time, we HAVE to deal with this now. There is no room for racism in this world; only love. We are all part of the human race ... and we all need to be good humans!
So yes, I can navigate the BIG PICTURE of this all. I can step back and know that we have to learn from both of these huge issues to be a better human. But sometimes in the moment, I wonder how I'm going to make it to the next moment.
Clarissa and I fight .... a lot. My kids are now dealing with their Dad and his partner separating. My Dad is a truck driver and a necessary part of food services from the US. I haven't seen my brother in over a year and likely won't anytime in the near future. I have report comments to write. I have more school lessons to plan and mark. My heart is fucking heavy .... in this moment.
I finish with "IN THIS MOMENT" because I know every day is different .... I know I will do my best to be present today .... to be where I need to be. And the rest will have to wait. It's just the way I make it through.
I've often compared myself to the "little engine that could" - you know the one "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...." One step at a time, one day at a time, one week at a time. I think I can.
So today I will be there for my kids - we will walk and talk and cry and laugh and be together - we will hug my Mama - and we will spread love. Tomorrow will be a new day and tomorrow will look different - it always does.
I'm sending you so much love and know if you ever need love, light, or a friend - I'm here!