Calling all my parents out there .....
.... isn't it easy to question our parenting and what we do on a minute-by-minute basis? Wouldn't it be nice if we questioned our kids instead? I know that's not REALLY possible but at times I wonder.
I actually started writing this post the other day but then ran out of steam. And then I tried to update it on Monday and my heart just couldn't. At the time, I was in great spirits and really just using this as a laugh as we headed in to the weekend. Then the weekend hit and BOOM - I was shaken to my core.
Today I write from a calmer place - but I'm still saddened and confused and truly questioning if I am doing what is the right thing for my kiddos.
As most parents out there know, technology at home is a huge battle. I've always wanted to be the parent that allows "the candy in moderation" because I know if I don't allow it at all, then they will find the candy elsewhere. So I would give an inch and then when there was a mess up, I would pull back and the next give would be a centimetre.
I don't particularly love sharing the details here - because I never want to embarrass my kids - and I know things on social media don't go away.
At the same time, I am pretty sad and upset about this.
In a nutshell, my son snuck a purchase for his video game and this was NOT the first time. It was definitely pre-planned and it is one of the worst feelings I have felt so far in my life.
I lost my shit - I screamed, I shouted, I got right in his face and shaking because I was crying and screaming at the same time yelled, "YOU JUST STOLE FROM ME".
And then I fell apart.
Over and over and over again.
"What am I doing wrong?
Please explain his thinking or lack thereof to me.
Please help me understand how to help him.
What am I doing wrong?"
These thoughts swirling around my head.
I phoned Neal immediately sobbing and he came to get William and his phone. He was going to take Will to have it disposed (the screen was destroyed and the phone itself was bent because he slipped on a curb). The only solution we see right now is that when he can afford the tech himself, he can pay for it himself.
And then my heart hurts so much - his phone is his connection to his best friend. They don't go to the same school and it's how they chat and play games together - so not only am I sad this happened, I'm sad that now Will won't even have that connection.
I just don't get it my friends - I don't.
I don't have anything profound to write or anything profound to say.
Maybe just that we ALL go through the shitty times .... the times that have us questioning our worth, our value, our abilities and maybe, just maybe, it will all work out in the end. I have to hope so.
And I have to remember that I am doing my best, we all are - so that "what am I doing wrong" question is one to ponder when looking for different perspectives but THAT IS IT! It's not allowed to get negative, it's not allowed to get bitchy, and it sure as hell isn't allowed to tell me I'm a shitty parent cuz I know that's where it's going.
For now I will let myself feel - I will take some time to be quiet and sad and reflect - and I will remind myself every day to keep doing my best - we ALL are.
So as we go in to this weekend my friends, breathe and know that you are not alone and that if you ever need a parenting friend, I am here for you just as so many of you have been there for me!