When the PAST Grabs On ......
Do you ever have those moments where you think you've figured something out for yourself and then realize that maybe what you originally thought was created out of fear and ultimately created for "self-preservation"?
That's where I am right now and it's a pretty raw place to be ......
I know I will be fantastic and come out the other side of the muck stronger ..... it's just sometimes the "aha" moments and realizations are like pulling off a fresh bandaid .... I actually feel more like it's taking a deep breath but that breath hurts because I can actually feel it. My chest feels tight and the breath going in and out feels painful in my lungs ....
For me, the moments when I realize what I have unconsciously created due to my past "habits" always hit hard. I almost walked away from a relationship that I truly value and love ..... and I am honestly not sure why ..... Questions run through my mind ..... did I create these beliefs, why would I create this for me, if I am loved, then why do these patterns grab hold and grab hard?
I am SO grateful for all of the learning that I have been immersing myself in over the past couple of years and for the people in my life to lean on in order to hear different perspectives.
Isn't it amazing how powerful our brains are? I know that I have these neural pathways that exist in my brain and have for 40 years now .... pathways that no longer serve me ..... pathways where I am fighting for self-worth. I can hear his voice in my head just like it was yesterday ..... and sometimes it's hard to turn them off. I know they are there and sometimes I am able to catch myself before I jump back on that pathway ..... but sometimes I am not.
This time, I was not able to and I am now in the throes of getting back on to my healthy pathway. In the process though, I have been able to gather new information which is why I am writing today. I am not one for pity parties or getting sympathy for others as I know we all have our journeys and our stories. What I am ALL for though is sharing the process because what I take away from this is SO important and my hope is that by sharing some of my real and raw, you too will be able to make it through your crappy moments and come out the other side EVEN stronger!
What I have realized:
* ALLOW myself to feel; this has been one of the biggest parts of my journey as I USED to feel numb - now I allow it to come however it does; with the feeling though, I move DIRECTLY in to
* ASK why that feeling is there; with every POWERFUL feeling (fear, sadness, guilt, anger) there is a lesson to be learned from it, so I ask what the lesson is
* ACCEPT the lesson; this time for me, I had to accept that I was about to make a very big decision for my life based on the FEAR that I was not "loved" enough when in actuality, I am deeply loved .....
* ACKNOWLEDGE the lesson and MOVE the f*ck on
SO GUESS WHAT I DID FOR THE MOVE ON PART?
As you are probably aware, I like to write. It's how I process and make sense of things that sometimes just don't make sense to me. I opened my email today and saw on the left hand side that I had 15 drafts ..... email drafts that I have written over the past couple of years ..... 15 drafts of me "making sense" and sometimes I would go re-read these drafts only to live the confusion and sadness and anger and whatever it may be all over again (because our brains don't know that it isn't happening now) ..... I DELETED THEM ALL. Every single one - without reading a word.
It's time for a new book - not a chapter - a new fucking book. One where I accept that I am loved and worthy of the love that I so freely and willingly give.
It's my time ..... to love me and I will continue this path to my BEST me for the rest of my life.
Because I deserve it ..... and so do the people in my life that matter the most to me.
PS - so do YOU, and your people and if even for a moment, my journey helps you, I am forever grateful!