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  • Tamara

I'm tired.....


My name is Tamara. I am a 41 year old female and I'm tired of being afraid. I'm pretty good at challenging myself - especially if the challenge is physical. Perhaps that is what happens when your love language is physical touch? This is a challenge I gave myself quite a while ago and fear always got in the way - not anymore.

I do not share my story with many people. I also do not hide it. My main reason for not sharing is that I know that EVERYONE has a story. This is one of the biggest lessons I learned being a Zumba Instructor - just because someone is not smiling the ridiculously huge smile that I smile in class does not mean they are not enjoying. Who am I to know what that person has gone through during the day, the week, the month, or even life?

I am a survivor. I choose my words very carefully here because I will not relive the past and torture myself over and over again. I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I was first abused when I was 3 and then again when I was 9 - both times by two different male caregivers and both times I believe it was the words that were spoken that hurt the most.

Over the past 10 years I have taken my life back. I have learned to not hear the voices that told me I would be hated, that I was not worthy of love. I have learned that my family has always and will always love me for me and not the "perfect daughter or sister" I believed I had to be. I have learned that I am worthy of love, happiness, and whatever goals I set for myself. I have learned how to believe in me.

Again - I am not sharing my story for sympathy - every single one of us has a story and mine is no worse than anyone else's. I recently connected with a woman on Facebook who happens to be from my community and whom I am hoping to meet in person very soon. Her husband is fighting for his life with ALS and her family has been dealt some pretty tough cards. Her post the other night had me in tears. Even though she has every reason possibly imaginable to feel sorry for herself, she is choosing to see the positive so that she can experience joy every single day. We all deserve that and FEAR should not be standing in our ways!

This is my year that fear will NOT stand in my way. Of course it will jump up and guard me like that annoying Basketball defender in my face. And I am sure that there are some days that will be better than others (that's just life). What I will choose though is to be aware of when fear is there, ask why it is there, and then move the f**k on!

What is this your year for?


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